Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I need water and some morals
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
