im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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