yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize