I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
