I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
