I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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