My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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