Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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