dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
