I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Randomize
