I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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