Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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