She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
