you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
