I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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