i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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