I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
