I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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