I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize