Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
