then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
