his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I lost the right to judge tonight
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
