Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
