Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
