I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
