Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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