I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
