my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize