ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
