she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
