He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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