I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
If its not for food we ain't going out.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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