Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
