Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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