The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
