The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
