I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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