How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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