you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
