I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
