she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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