My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
