we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
tell me about the eggs
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