i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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