So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
