I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
