Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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