god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
