I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
