you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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