So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I'm jealous of your bromance
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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