remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
