I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Green mimosas i think yes
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
