i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
