Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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