I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
