hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
