I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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